Frank J. Dragovich

Vocational Guidance Counsellor

• Counselor: Ah Mr. Ahhh.... Anchovy. Do sit down.
• Anchovy: Thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh?
• Counselor: Yes.
• Anchovy: Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.
• Counselor: Enough of this gay banter. Now Mr Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.
• Anchovy: That is correct.
• Counselor: Well I have the results here of all the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them we've built up a pretty clear... impression of the sort of person that you are. And I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is accountancy.
• Anchovy: But I am a accountant.
• Counselor: Jolly good. Well back to the office with you then.
• Anchovy: No! No! You don't understand. I've been an accountant for the last twenty years. But I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live.
• Counselor: Well accountancy's quite exciting isn't it?
• Anchovy: Exciting? No it's not. It's dull, dull, dull, my God it's dull! It's so deadly dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL. I can't stand it any longer! I want to live!
• Counselor: Well, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see in your report here it says that you are an extremely dull person. Um... our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in accountancy they are a positive boon.
• Anchovy: Yes, don't you see, I'm only as awful as this because accountancy does this to people. Can't you help me?
• Counselor: Well, do you have any idea of what you want to be?
• Anchovy: Yes, yes I have.
• Counselor: What is it?
• Anchovy: A lion tamer!
• Counselor: Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump isn't it? Accountancy to lion taming in one go. You don't think it might be better to work your way towards lion taming, say, via banking, or insurance...
• Anchovy: No. No. I don't want to wait. No. I want to start immediately. Tomorrow morning at nine I want to be in there, taming.
• Counselor: Yes, but what qualifications do you have?
• Anchovy: I've got a hat.
• Counselor: A hat?
• Anchovy: 'Yes. A lion taming hat. A hat with 'lion tamer' written on it. And it lights up saying 'lion tamer' in big red neon letters, so you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.
• Counselor: I see.
• Anchovy: And during the day you can switch it off and save electricity, and you can claim it as reasonable wear and tear under allowable professional expenses under paragraph 335B...
• Counselor: Yes, yes, yes, I follow, but you see, uh the snag is if I now call the circus and say to them, 'look here, I've got a forty-five-year-old accountant with me who wants to become a lion tamer', their first question is not going to be 'does he have his own hat?' They're more likely to ask what experience you've had with lions.
• Anchovy: Well I, I've seen them at the zoo.
• Counselor: Good.
• Anchovy: Yes, yes. Little brown furry creatures with short stumpy legs and great long noses. I could tame one of those. I don't know what all the fuss is about. They look pretty tame to start with. Ha ha ha ha!
• Counselor: And these lions, um ... how high are they?
• Anchovy: Oh, about so high (indicating a height of one foot). They don't frighten me at all.
• Counselor: Uh huh. And do these lions eat ants?
• Anchovy: Yes, that's right.
• Counselor: Well, um I'm afraid what you've got hold of there Mr Anchovy is an anteater.
• Anchovy: A what?
• Counselor: An anteater. Not a lion. You see a lion is a huge savage beast, about ten feet long, five feet high, with masses of sharp pointy teeth and nasty long razor-sharp claws, and it look's like this.
• (film clip of a lion)
• Anchovy: (Screams)
• Counselor: Now, shall I call the circus?
• Anchovy: No! No, no. I like your idea of, of making the move, um to lion taming via easy stages, say via insurance, or, or banking.
• Counselor: Banking?
• Anchovy: Banking, yes, banking, I see it now. It's a man's life, isn't it? Travel, excitement, decisions affecting people's lives, romance, thrills.
• Counselor: I'll put you in touch with a bank.
• Anchovy: Yes.
• (nervous pause as the counselor dials the rotary phone.)
• Anchovy: Er... Probably, probably, You know, er I'd like a couple of days to think about it, 'cause it is a big decision... er... Or, or maybe, maybe a week at most, you know. But I do want to make this decision to be the right one. I'd like to do banking, obviously. (continues muttering nervously to himself)
• Counselor: (turning to camera) It's sad, isn't it? But this is what accountancy does to people. The only way that we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease...
• Anchovy: I only want to be famous! I only want to see my name in lights!